Second weddings

Second weddings can be an etiquette minefield. We reveal how to get the guest list, the location and the style right – for a day that fulfils your dreams without offending anyone. By Kate Hodal.

STEP 1: PLANNING THE BIG DAY

“With a first marriage, you’ve got a lot to think about, but with the second, you’ve got a lot more to think about,” says Jill Curtis, a psychotherapist and author of How to Get Married... Again.
Talking openly with your partner about your expectations and planning together is key, says Jill. “Leave nothing to chance,” she advises. “Who’s going to go on the honeymoon? Who will stand where during photos? Who’s going to be best man or bridesmaid?
“Even an intended small wedding doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone – it might mean 150 people to your partner. And the ‘If he’s coming, I’m not coming’ things that often crop up in a minor way the first time round really seem to hit the fan the second time and can cause huge rifts in families.”

STEP 2: BREAKING THE NEWS TO
YOUR EX

“You should definitely tell your ex – it’s better than them hearing about it through the grapevine,” says Jill. But Carole Hamilton, former editor of You & Your Wedding magazine, says that an ex’s invite “all depends on whether you are still friendly. The last thing you need at your big day is more stress.”
If either of you is keen to invite an ex, decide together whether this is a good idea, advises Jill. Then, prepare family and friends in advance that an ex will be at the wedding so there are no audible gasps.

STEP 3: TELLING THE KIDS

“When two people fall in love, they want everyone else to fall in love too,” says Jill. “Even against all the odds, kids seem to harbour a hope their parents will get back together and with a second marriage that hope is killed off,” she continues. “Marrying against your parents’ wishes is one thing, but against your children’s’ is another.”
“Step-children should be made to feel involved and perhaps given a small role to play,” suggests Carole. “If they’re older, you can make them best man or bridesmaid. It’s nice to mention children in the speeches somewhere and how great it is to be welcoming everyone into one new family.
“If there are family issues, forget complicated top-table arrangements at the reception and opt for ‘family tables’ rather than mixing everyone up. Bride and groom-only tables, like the Beckhams had, saves stressing over people bickering.”

STEP 4: WHAT DO YOU WEAR?

Liz Taylor may have been married eight times to seven different men, but that doesn’t alter her right to wear what she wants on her next wedding day, says Carole.
“It is perfectly acceptable for a second-time bride to wear a wedding dress,” says the wedding professional. “It’s really old-fashioned to think you shouldn’t wear white: it’s your wedding and you should do – and wear – anything you like.
“There are some stunning slim-line and shorter dresses around now, but age-appropriate is the best advice, whatever age you are!”

STEP 5: WHATKIND OF CEREMONY SHOULD YOU HAVE?

Opting for a wedding abroad is always a safe option says Carole: “Weekend weddings are becoming really popular. You can hire a venue, like a country hotel, from Friday to Sunday, or take a small party abroad with you – around 60 per cent of second timers do it that way. It definitely makes it easier to choose your guest list – but keep in mind they’ll be on your honeymoon with you!”
If you’re a traditionalist, you don’t have to be a churchgoer or have been baptised to have a church wedding. But you will need to ask if the minister will agree to perform the ceremony if you or your partner has been divorced.
You might also consider a Quaker or Baha’i ritual, neither of which requires you be of their faith. In England and Wales, however, a civil ceremony is required within 24 hours to legalise a Baha’i ceremony, according to wedding website www.take2weddings.com
Or you could opt for a civil ceremony, which will require a decree absolute if you’re divorced or a death certificate if widowed. Civil ceremonies are non-religious, but must take place at a registered or licensed venue and have at least two witnesses to be considered legal.

More details at www.take2weddings.com

Top Five Tips From The British Second Wives Club

1 Sit down and talk to your partner about the type of wedding you’d like. Listen to him and let him have his say, he may not have had any involvement in his previous marriage arrangements but would welcome being involved with his second wedding.

2 Do it your way! Your first wedding may have been controlled by your parents, it may not have been what you wanted. More than nine out of 10 second marriages are organised without the help of the bride and groom’s parents.

3 About 62 per cent of brides in second weddings have children from a previous marriage. Finding ways to include your children and stepchildren could make your wedding a really special family celebration.

4 Spend time finding suppliers such as a photographer who will listen to you and work with your wishes rather than what they want.

5 Have you considered what you’d like to do with your surname? It’s still very popular for the bride to take her husband’s name but there are many other options available to you: keep your maiden name, double-barrel your surnames or ask the groom to change his surname. If you change yours, remember to get all your documents changed, as most companies will ask for a copy of the marriage certificate.

For more information on the British Second Wives Club, visit www.bswc.co.uk

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